The Uncommon Sense

Common sense, they say, is the most uncommon in common man. We decided to come up with a list of the most commonly observed “uncommon” sense on display in everyday life. Welcome to India.

1. The Smartass Drivers:
   • The Honkers: Of course honking changes the traffic lights’ colour faster, doesn’t it? So equip your car with the loudest, the crassest and the most irritating horns available in the market. Now what? Go crazy, no holds barred! Honk, honk, honk! Traffic jam ahead? Still, honk, honk, honk! Nobody’s moving? Who cares! Honk, honk, honk!
   • The Light Raiders: Oh, you can’t see through your black sunglasses in the night? Why, switch on the high lamps! If you have the fluorescent lights, it’s even better. Who gives a damn if others around you can’t see a thing; it’s your vision that really matters!
   • The Texters: Driving at 80 kmph and your mobile phone starts vibrating? You must check it, NOW—without stopping of course. It could be some very important message, maybe about “how to reduce your fat in 30 days” or some good forwarded joke. Don’t forget to send back an LOL, before you start concentrating on the road again!
   • The Random Parkers: Where to park, where to park? Meh, I will just leave it here, lying in the middle of the road. You shall not pass!
2. The Seat Freeloaders:
   So, you’re sitting there in the metro, peacefully reading a book, and suddenly some Auntie with an engorged posterior (no offence) orders you (not asks) to make some space for her. Grumpily, you scooch about slightly. Buoyed by bullying you, the Auntie pushes her rears with all her might into the teeny tiny space, turning you into a 2D object!
3. The Minister of Traffic:
   Oh, a VIP minister is about to come through this road. Quick, let us block all the traffic here for a couple of hours, and then spend another five hours to fix it. The Minister needs an expressway, and we’ll make him one in the space of a couple of hours. We are smart, aren’t we?
4. The Unrestrained Fighters:
   There are some of us who are just waiting for a fight. They don’t even wait to know the parties involved, or the reasons for the spat. They are just itching to get out there and unleash their firepower. Often, these guys forget whose side they actually are on, and end up assaulting their own friends in the battleground.
5. The Mobile Phone Show-offs:
   • The MP3s: Oh, your phone can play music files? Please play me and others on the metro/bus your favourite soundtrack from a ’90s movie or a religious soundtrack perhaps! While you are at it, please set it to repeat infinitely.
   • The “Loud Speakers”: You are at a theatre, watching a movie? Call your girlfriend and start shouting how you miss her, can’t sleep without her etc etc, while the audience looks on in despair. You are the centre of attraction; who cares about the movie anyway!
6. The Pee-rs:
   You have to go? Nobody’s looking, take your chance. Yes, that pole, aim for it. Why wait for a couple of minutes to reach home? Peeing in public is a statement of your courage and prowess. Who gives a rat’s ass about hygiene and other such petty issues!
7. The Great Indian Paan Spitters: How can we forget them; be it the wall of a school or a residential building or the footpath, it’s their birth right to grace it with the holy red spit. So go on spitting, let’s turn this green world red.
8. The Stompers:
   Have you had the distinction of coming across those who wear big massive Iron-man-esque Woodland shoes? These men have no idea about other people who might be wearing slippers or light shoes and go about stomping everyone here and there as if there’s no tomorrow. They are most commonly found in metros, at cinema halls and of course, the Woodland stores.
9. The Bargainer–Shopkeeper Agreement:
   Shopkeeper: X Rupees. Bargainer: X – Y Rupees. Shopkeeper: X – Y + 20 Rupees. Bargainer: X – Y + 10 Rupees. Item sold. Time lost = Anywhere between 10 minutes to 2 hours

While there is no shortage of more “antique pieces” in our country, these should suffice for the time being while we must ponder if we too are one of these!

(Contributions from: Charvi Jain, Punita Maheshwari, Brototi Roy, Shubhanker Saxena, Ankit Gouraha, Debarati Nandi)

Originally written for News That Matters Not by Kumar Pratik.

The Psyche of a Rapist!

At a time when the country continues to reel with the after-effects of the brutal Delhi Gangrape case, there is an overwhelming feeling of connection with the word ‘rape’. While women associate themselves with the victim for the fear that it could actually have been them instead, men find themselves condemning it for the fear that the victim may have been someone they actually knew.

The potential rapist, on the other hand, silently sits in his home sipping his tea, surfing through the newspaper. He reads numerous reports of rape in the country with a straight face, but what exactly is going inside his mind? Does he take it as a challenge to assert his dominance over the weaker sex? Or, is the thought of getting away with it in a flawed system such as ours too exhilarating for him to not pursue? Is the rapist simply a brute, who just happened to be in the wrong situation, and a moment of craziness overpowered him? Maybe, he is just a pervert. Maybe, he is not. Maybe, his primal urges have taken control of him. Perhaps, he is trying to be cool, or perhaps, a screw inside his head has gone awry. It’s quite a question to mull upon- Who exactly is a rapist?

Murder, child labour, women abuse – biggest headaches for the Government. Is India’s Doomsday approaching too? Or is it already here?

Dwelling upon this question might seem insignificant right now, but this is what will eventually give us the solution to this menace. You just have to take up the newspaper and surf through the pages, and after looking at so many reports of rape, the common man simply gets tired of reading it, deciding that he/she should look after his/her own friends and family rather than trying to fight for the justice of so many victims. Is the Police incapable of doing its job? Or, have these incidents simply affected the minds of such potential rapists more adversely than the common man? Maybe, rape is viewed by these men not as a taboo or a crime anymore, but as an adventure sport, one that has a lot of thrill and adrenaline rush. To put things into context, a potential rapist does not really see rape as a crime or a moral dilemma, it has become simply like a banned drug – illegal and punishable, but an exotic experience that must be tried. Neither is he afraid of the law, nor does he in his own mind recognize sexual harassment as a wrongdoing. He thinks that whatever he wants, he can get it by force, a symbolic representation of his masculinity. Women are simply the accessory to his salvation, the ultimate sin, the pinnacle of his sexual moksha! This rapist psyche, deranged as it may sound, is an infectious disease, which is spreading through the entire country like an epidemic. It makes one wonder that are we inadvertently sensationalizing rape by letting it run rampant in a country with a billion people. Is our inability to control the menace going to have far longer reaching consequences than we can envisage? Are we heading towards a failed state, where our famed culture and ethics are nowhere to be found?

So, how exactly do we bring this change in mentality of a billion people? No, anger is not the solution, not at the rapist, nor the Government. One must take up the responsibility of affecting the mentality of those around him/her to reinforce the status of rape as a diabolical crime. We must identify those around us that might seem vulnerable to fall to the whims of this plague. We must try to cure them, we must try to help them, by teaching them to find it within themselves to overpower the primal urges of testosterone. Man has shown himself capable of change in the past, and nothing can affect the mentality of a person like the kind of people he/she hangs out with. Like Gandhi has said over and over again, if you see some darkness in someone, don’t run away. Try to mould their minds to see the ill-fate that befalls such a man. I reiterate, help these potential rapists get back on the right track. At least until they have actually gone ahead and done the unthinkable!

Messi, the Superman, flies away with Ballon d’Or

Lionel Andres Messi, Son of Krypton

Time and again, Messi has been praised as being ‘from a different planet’ by the football community. Apparently, the suspicions are very much true. Find the full article at News That Matters Not.

Ten Things You Should Not Do As A Sophomore

1. Do not try and exert your seniority on every second fuccha you see:

Things may go downhill, if the fuccha actually turns out to be a third-year, who looks young, or an M.Tech first year, or in the worst case, a fourth-year. Hold your instincts, for they may land you with a black-eye and numerous bruises.

 2. Do not be a smart-ass with the teachers:

We are talking about men who have been in the business for ages, who have had to deal with smart-asses like you every year. They have certain tricks up their sleeves, you are better off without having to experience them, trust me.

3. Do not stay locked up in your rooms/hostels:

Remember, your laptop is not your girlfriend. Some unlucky girl is. Go out, feel the wind, soak in the rain, lay down and look at the stars (ALONE!).

4. Do not buy a guitar to impress the ladies:

The effort to learn the guitar is not proportional to the accolades from the fairer-sex. Sooner or later, it will end up in your dust-bins. Do yourself a favour, don’t buy it.

 5. Do not try to design an innovative new project, that will revolutionize the world:

Using a laptop charger as a toaster for a loaf of bread, and a ruler to spread butter does not count. Neither does keeping folded clothes beneath the bed-mattress as a means of ironing the clothes. More often than not, your helicopters won’t fly, bots won’t move, and programs won’t run. Give it a try, though.

 6. Do not become a ‘Devdas’:

Engineering course has a common pattern. First year is about Girls, New faces, Freshers’ Night, Fests etc etc. Second year is all about Love, broken hearts, the same old faces, frustration in life.  Third year onwards, it’s only career, jobs, interns, placement. Long bearded looks, out of sheer frustration are a strict no!

7. Do not be an addict, don’t play with your life:

Yes, education may be injurious to health, but then so is smoking, drinking etc. Bike stunts, car drifts, all these have a certain appeal and thrill about them. Don’t get misguided by the world, value your life above social perceptions.

 8. Do not try to sneak out or sneak into the lecture hall midway:

Mentos doesn’t help in real-life situations. If you do get caught leaving or entering the class, some more plausible explanations would be needed. Try these for best results: ‘I have a tendency of sleep-walking’ or ‘Just going out to take a fresh breath of air, Sir’, ‘Uh-oh, this is not where I parked my car’.

 9. Do not become ‘that guy who attends classes even on mass bunk days’:

Believe me, you don’t want to attend a class if the whole class has agreed to go on a bunk. They will slaughter you, burn you alive and throw your body to dogs. No kidding. True Story, bro!

 10. Do not try some fancy new hairstyle the hairdresser recommends:

After paying hundreds of bucks, you will end up looking like a villain from a Bhojpuri movie, not to mention the ridicule you will be subjected to by your worthless friends.

Disclaimer: Please, don’t try this at home! The author shall not be held responsible for your actions, lest they be inspired by one of these. 

This is a sequel to ‘Ten Things You Should Not Do As A Fresher’.

 

Ghissu No.1

 

True Story. Teachers have been doing this since the beginning of time.

Two-Faced

Introspection, more often than not raises more questions than answers. Not only does it bring you face to face with your inner demons, it also sets them free. 

As I stare into the mirror, I  do not recognize the man I see: he looks old and pale, his forehead bears the signs of defeat, of failure. And, I can only wonder what happened to him, for I knew him to be the most optimistic man. I look at him and ask him – ‘Why? How?’. He turns away from me, pretending to not have heard me at all. But, I know he did.

And then, just as I think of giving up on him, I hear the slightest whisper. Did he just call out to me? He lets out an alleviating howl, his veins pulsate menacingly, his eyes reek of fire. He looks at me in disdain, accuses me of being a liar, of being a pretentious illusion. Suddenly, he disappears into thin air. The mirror is now a screen, it reflects upon my choices, my decisions throughout my life. Like an old film, it moves along, frame by frame, ever so slowly, as I witness my own life flash before my eyes. Finally, it dawns upon me, he was right! Every single word he spoke was true. But, how did he know so much about me?

Are you two-faced? Do you have an other side you like to keep in check?

As I am caught up in the moment, the mirror explodes into shambles with an astounding force, and carries my body flying into the rubble. I feel scared like I’ve never been, and yet with the impending curiosity of a child, I open my eyes. The man from the mirror stands before me  with a knife, growling excitedly, as his bulging muscles threaten to rip through his shirt. He seems possessed, the fiery red eyes coolly fixated upon the target- me! He grabs me up by my collar, and pulls my torso up into the air with the slightest of efforts. The metallic surface of the knife in his hand glistens in the sunlight, as he drives it straight through my chest, with all his strength.

Blood oozes out from my body, my life force slowly drains out of me. He looks at me with a smug smile, while my own mind sharply plummets into a fading blur. I lose my strength, my will to live, I close my eyes for the last time. But, wait, that can’t be the end, my heart beckons, goads me on to not give up the fight. So, with one last surge of whatever adrenaline remains in my body, I pull out the knife from my chest, and stab it into my assailant! His smile changes into shock, as he is overcome with desperation, and lets out a loud cry, “Noooo…..”

The mild drizzle outside the window of my room makes for a panoramic scenery, as I wake up from my nightmare. Just a dream, my mind reassures me. I stare into the mirror, just to make sure. The mirror tells a different story altogether- It is not me, it is not him either, it is an amalgam of the two. And, then I realize that we are one and the same. That we are just the two different sides of me, who are at loggerheads with one another.

Bemused at the surreal world I often let my mind ramble into and interpret it so mystically, I laugh it off. After all, I am getting late for yet another exam. And then, just as I cross another mirror on my way, I can almost swear that I see a red glint in the corner of my right eye!

Article first published at The Indian Fusion.

My Professor, Mr. Bones

Meet my Professor, Mr. Bones. He has a huge crush on my other teacher Mrs. Biatch. And both, Mr. Bones and Mrs. Biatch spend their time in my classroom, daydreaming about having their own little Kid Bones and Biatches. I have thus chosen ‘Woofolgy’ as my elective language, so as to understand Mr. Bones and Mrs. Biatch. To enroll in the course, please drop a comment below.