During the promotion of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2, we caught up with the Dark Lord himself. Here, we present our interview with Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, about his seventeen-year-long duel with the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter.
So Mr. Voldemort, how does it feel to have gone through the course of seven books and seven movies getting your ass kicked by a skinny little boy?
The Dark Lord:(hisses) Only I shall live forever. Neither can live while—
Yeah, whatever! Get over it, dude!
Hmm, alright, Harry Potter is nothing compared to the Dark Lord—he is a pest, that’s what he is. When I get the opportunity, I shall kill him once and for all.
It seems you haven’t read the ending of the story yet, but never mind, let’s just say you will be pleasantly surprised when the movie comes out. By the way, can I call you Voldy, as in Lordy Voldy, you know?
That was subtle. Anyway, Severus Snape has recently referred to you as “a crazy bitch” in a newspaper column. What do you have to say to that?
“Crazy bitch”, eh? (takes his wand out and starts making wild and obscene gestures with it) Yeah! You tell him Lord Voldemort gave him the finger on live television.
Mr Voldemort, I understand the emotions are running high. But, our viewers would like to know more about you. Tell me, why this obsession with Harry Potter? Couldn’t you just sit back, relax, maybe have a drink on a beach and let the boy complete his goddamn school?
I have never revealed this answer before, but perhaps I wouldn’t get a better chance to express my point of view to the world. It all began with one Facebook status update by Lily James Potter seventeen years ago, “What’s up with that prick named Voldemort? I mean who keeps a name ‘Voldemort’ (chuckle) and doesn’t he have better things to do in life than show up uninvited at houses, killing people for absolutely no reason? In my opinion, the douche can suck it!”
Ah, the social network, there has been some pretty bad miscommunication lately due to these sites! There is one more question that I have been meaning to ask you. You and Albus Dumbledore have always had something of a spark on screen. Is there any truth to allegations that you and Dumbledore were actually in a committed relationship not so long ago?
Please do not print or translate this in Parseltongue, or my beloved snake Nagini will be able to understand what I’m going to say. Yes, Dumbledore was my idol, my hero, and we had great chemistry about us. But, one day he came up to me and said, “Tom, all this snake obsession is getting out of hand now. You better start learning some other languages like French or German.” My precious Nagini slithered there in the background, oblivious to the intentions of the malicious old man. That’s when Dumbledore and I decided to part ways.
Just one last question sir. How do you manage to remember all those difficult spells and fight so efficiently with your wand?
(with a sly smile) That’s easy. This wand that you see is just a piece of wood with some fancy lightning system. I merely switch it on during fights and start shouting whatever gibberish comes to my mind!
Thank you Mr.Voldemort for such an enlightening interview. I am sure the Death Eaters will have a great time reading this. Is there any last thing you want to say to the audience?
Oh yes, only I shall live forever—damn it, I have to pee! See you guys.
This article was first published at News That Matters Not, the number two satire site in India, for which the author writes columns and also depicts illustrations!