Illustration

My Professor, Mr. Bones

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Meet my Professor, Mr. Bones. He has a huge crush on my other teacher Mrs. Biatch. And both, Mr. Bones and Mrs. Biatch spend their time in my classroom, daydreaming about having their own little Kid Bones and Biatches. I have thus chosen ‘Woofolgy’ as my elective language, so as to understand Mr. Bones and Mrs. Biatch. To enroll in the course, please drop a comment below.

10 Reasons Why Education is Injurious to Health and Society

1. Overdose of sleeping pills is detrimental to health:

If a study were to be conducted on effects of sleep-inducing pills/situations, lectures would trump other drugs and medications by an overwhelming margin. It’s such a shame that no company has yet been able to synthesize lectures and classes into sleeping pills. These pills would have no side-effect whatsoever; one pill would just put the patient to deep peaceful sleep for an hour.

2. Dumb, dumber and dumbest – The art of being a fool and yet making a fool out of others:

You cannot argue with a fool. He will bring down the argument to his level and then defeat you in his comfort zone.  Have you ever been able to answer questions convincingly in a viva-voce? No? You know the reason now.
Also, how often do you understand what the teacher is trying to explain? Almost never, I suppose. The answer lies in the following statement: If you can’t convince them, confuse them. So, it’s not you who is the fool, but it’s the other fools who are making a fool out of you.

3. Induction of frustration and suicidal tendencies from teachers leads to an ever-increasing mortality rate:

When you have to endure people who seem devoid of life force, bereft of the will to live, possessing the power to completely suck out the intensity and enthusiasm from your very soul, there seems only one solution to escape the harsh reality – To hang yourself until death.
Dementors are real, they live among us. They feed on our happiness, our laughter, our energies. Next time you come across a teacher, who makes you want to kill yourself, try this: Think of the happiest moment in your life, and scream Expecto Patronum.

4. Education: A source of employment for the unemployed:

Can’t find a job? Not qualified enough? Not good enough? Don’t worry; we have just the job for you. (Courtesy: Mentos, Dimag ki batti jala de). BECOME A TEACHER, TODAY, NOW! It has good pay, relaxed and flexible working hours, but most of all has huge perks, such as ‘Screaming at students for no apparent reason’ or ‘Venting your frustration by failing those pests’. It has everything you could dream of. Join the group today, become a teacher!

5. The Drain-of-the-Brain Syndrome:

Our system works on a very simple philosophy: The more you study, the dumber you become. These effects of excessive studying are very well-documented in the form of a new upcoming class in the society: The Ghissus. Chances are that these Ghissus will make it to the very top of the hierarchy, and will have a great package, a great job, but will be as dumb as a duck. (*Cough* Prime Minister of India *Cough*)

Please follow this algorithm for securing maximum marks in examinations: Step 1: Find the most popular book by an ‘Indian writer’ in the given subject, which probably your seniors, and the seniors before them used. Step 2: Start studying at least a week before the exams. Step 3: How to study? Cram the formulae, mug the derivations, solve a couple of numericals. Go through the past-year questions, find their answers. Step 4: Ask the teacher for some ‘probable’ questions. Step 5: Repeat Step 4 over and over again, until he tells you all the ‘probable’ questions. Step 6: You’re done. Go hang out with friends.

6. Degradation of English at hands of your teachers will lead you to become a teacher yourself:

A great chain reaction is at play here. Your teachers will first ruin the very basics of your English, which will render you jobless. You will then have to choose the only job you can find: A Professor/Lecturer/Teacher/Lab Assistant/Physical Education Teacher. And then, you, in turn, shall ruin English of hundreds more. Ah, the mysterious ways of society!

7. It is impractical to perform a practical which is not practical:

A ‘practical’ cannot be deemed practical if the apparatus doesn’t work, if the readings are random and unpredictable as the number of stars in the sky, but most of all if you have to write practical records by copy-pasting from someone else’s files. Absolutely nothing practical about that!

8. Antiques are better for decoration, not for use:

Wine gets finer as it gets old, teachers get crankier. They belong together – old bottles of wine and Professor Grandpas – in a cabinet of fine antiques, adorning the grandeur of the living room. Because, you see, you cannot come up with ‘new and innovative’ measures like Powerpoint, while the world has already moved on to videos, illustrations and animations. People should know when to stop feasting on past glories and when to fade away.

9. The feeling of nausea before exams:

We are not talking about nausea from food, but the nausea from mugging up 500 to 600 pages of books, in five-ten hours. It’s a special skill set that develops only once you enter a college. When you do master it, you will be able to vomit all or most of the information from those 500 odd pages directly onto your answer-sheet in one go!
Disclaimer: The vomiting ability is a one-time skill only.

10. The schedule of classes leads to a disrupted time-table and disjointed sleeping hours, leading to schizophrenic tendencies and lucid dreaming:

When the prescribed sleeping time-table for students i.e. 3 am to 12 pm is disrupted by lectures and classes from 8-9 am, over an extended duration, students suffer from serious psychological impacts such as lucid dreaming (Loosely translated as: ‘Din me tare dekhna’) and schizophrenia (abrupt laughter, delusional fantasies, aggressive behavior). This aggressive behavior in students has been well-backed by a recent study on the ‘number of expletives and profanities a common student uses in one single day’, which claims that the number almost tends to the number of galaxies in the universe.

This article was first published at News That Matters Not.

Hussain and Vaughan end up in mental hospitals

This is Team India on the England Tour

After England slumped to a whitewash against India in the ODI series, former England captains Nasser Hussain and Michael Vaughan have been admitted in mental hospitals, after reportedly showing signs of ‘crystal-clear insanity’. The idea of their insanity was first mooted by Sourav Ganguly on India’s tour of England, when Vaughan alleged that ‘India don’t deserve their number one status and have a mutual understanding with ICC to stay on top, irrespective of the results’.

The doctors from the Green Lane Hospital where the two former captains have been admitted elaborated on the matter, “It must be the rout that England suffered in India that has pushed them over the edge. They had been showing signs for some time now- Vaughan with his ridiculous tweets, and Hussain with his infamous donkey-gate.”

Navjot Singh Sidhu offered his enlightening(?) comments, despite our insistence not to. “My friends, if you are on the same sinking boat, you better hug each other tightly, or you shall go down into the depths of hitherto unearthed depths of the ocean!” Believe it or not, we were just as confused as you are. He continued, “It is the emergence of star performers like the talented(?) Ravindra Jadeja, that has shocked them into insanity. In fact, I think Jadeja will one day surpass Sachin Tendulkar as the greatest batsman ever, mark my words!” At this point, it was clear who should accompany Hussain and Vaughan in the mental institution.

This is Team England after India tour

When we finally caught up with the duo, they were visibly agitated with the charges against them. “We are not insane! We may be donkeys, but definitely not insane!”, Hussain claimed. Vaughan said, “BCCI definitely had something to do with this, I am sure. I am going to sue everyone, from Sharad Pawar to Barack Obama, when I come out.”

In other unrelated news, Amir Ajmal Kasab has decided to run for the elections, citing the tainted CVs of most ministers and politicians. Anna Hazare has thus decided to sit on yet another fast, and has demanded that Kasab be included in the Lokpal Bill.

PS: Just in case, you thought all this was real, it is clear that sarcasm is not your cup of tea. 

2012 – It’s official now!

The end of the world in 2012 is official now, Yenna Rascala!

Late into last night, leading website com.rajnikanth released this poster, shot from Rajnikanth’s telescope with varying zoom levels, which has now proved beyond doubt that the world will infact end in 2012, contrary to common belief. Rajnikanth was unavailable for comment, apparently catching a late night show of Robot with God himself!