A Common Man’s letter to First Lady of India

Dear Mrs. Gandhi,

My name is Ramesh, and I am just a common man, a term you are clearly unfamiliar with. Now, let me tell you a story, in fact the story of my life.

I have three daughters. All of them are girls! (I have heard you are slow, just like your son, so I am spelling everything out.) Anyway, so I have a salary of Rs. 30,000 a month at a government job, which by-the-way I hate, but it pays nonetheless. With this meager amount, I have to pay for my daughters’ education, the food in the house, the house rent, electricity rent, etc etc etc. I will someday have to pay exorbitant dowry (read: inflation) for my daughters to gutless and spineless men. So, all in all, I have to pay a lot. Now, the question comes: How in the name of God am I going to pay 75 Rupees for a litre of petrol amidst all this? Of the top of my head, I can only think of robbing, stealing, or becoming a terrorist. Those are the jobs that pay well, not these crappy government or private jobs that are considered honorable.

Do you have the weirdest idea what 7.5 Rs means to the average Indian? Of course not. I will tell you, it means a lot. It’s exactly the amount a person at the poverty line can afford to pay for one meal (assuming he has four meals a day, not that he can).  But, you should know that, right? Because, I remember you were visiting all those poor people in the elections of 2006, and they were flashing your face all across the news over and over again. Now, I have no idea about economics, no idea how inflation and market value works, and the more qualified people have been saying this price rise was unavoidable. So, I will skip that and just ask you something very simple. We pay taxes, don’t we? Yeah, that’s right. To your very own government. Now, I have been thinking a lot, I simply cannot figure out where this sum goes! Defence? No way. Rural development? You have got to be kidding me. Global markets? Yeah, right.

You cannot answer that question now, can you? I know where. It goes to a mythical land of Switzerland, buried deep below the Earth’s crust, where no man living or dead can find it. Oh, was I too metaphorical? I am talking of course, about the Swiss Bank. On one hand, you have assets worth hundreds of crores, from your “Government jobs”, that pay no more than mine. And yet, on the other hand, you claim you are crippled by the global economy. What exactly do you do to deserve all that money? You know what, you are no better than the Englishmen who once ruled us. At least, they had the audacity to rob us in broad daylight, not the cowardice to stab us in our backs. They say your aide, a certain Mr. Singh, was a commendable Finance Minister once upon a time. Clearly, his powers have waned now. Or maybe, he was just in the right place at the right time (like he was in 2006). I have little doubt that I could do a better job at managing the finance and administration of the country than you incompetent fools. At least, I would not eat into my own people.

As for my own troubles, I have finally found my calling. I now understand. I’ve given up everything, and I am now going on a quest round the world to search for oil wells. And once I find them, I will be able to carry on the rest of my daughters’ education, pay my rents etc etc, but mark my words I will not pay your f***ing taxes!

I have heard Italy is a very exotic land. So, why don’t you get the f*** out of our country, back to your own and leave us with our miseries? Yes, we are bloody hospitable, but clearly, you have overstayed your welcome. Go away now, Shoo!

Sincerely,

A common man

If this article was a little too damn serious, check out this other article I wrote on the issue of petrol price hike. Here: Engineering student invents car that runs on politician’s bullshit!